


you look like yourself, but you’re somebody else

by awkwardrainbow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Soulmates, god!lexa, might update tags and rating with part 2 idk, not really a fix-it fic just takes place after the show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:56:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26813266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardrainbow/pseuds/awkwardrainbow
Summary: It is in moments like this that it starts to become incredibly hard for Clarke to decipher between God Lexa and real Lexa. Realistically she knows it can’t be Lexa-Lexa, she is long dead, gone and never returning to her. It’s been so many years now that she can’t even hope for it despite how she craves her still. But the stoic mask that God Lexa arrives in strips the longer they spend time together and when they look at her like they are now, with bright eyes and near adoration, it becomes difficult for Clarke to think she’s not here.She swears, even though she knows it’s impossible, that it’s her staring at her. “Lexa.”
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 25
Kudos: 248





	you look like yourself, but you’re somebody else

**Author's Note:**

> I have zero knowledge of the show's actual plot after somewhere in season 4 and I didn't need it to write this. I watched Lexa's new scenes and that's as much as I needed to know and that's as much as you'll need to know to get this. 
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> Happy clexa endgame.

God Lexa isn’t really Lexa.

Clarke knows that, she even understands it. There’s no real logical reason for Clarke to want to keep seeing them, just as much as there’s no real reason for God Lexa to keep appearing to her. Infrequent visits, random times of day. Sometimes, Clarke calls for Lexa in her sleep and they will appear to wake her.

It’s weird really, if Clarke thinks about it, it should be more annoying than it actually is.

But it’s not annoying. Maybe it hurts but Clarke can’t decide if it would hurt more to never see her again. Because God Lexa comes to her at no particularly set time always wearing Lexa’s face and a small piece of her feels elated at the sight. She had spent many years trying desperately to not forget a single detail only to lose the fine lines overtime. And every time she sees Lexa’s face, it’s like a refresher of all the details she wasn’t able to hold onto.

Sometimes they appear in her full gear with her warpaint, sometimes in something much more casual. Outfits she had only seen Lexa wear in the privacy of her bedroom when they would sit in the quiet together back in Polis all those years ago. Every time they appear it makes Clarke wonder how much God Lexa could possibly know about the real Lexa, if they know everything about her, even things Clarke never got the chance to learn or if they know only what they were able to learn about her from Clarke. And maybe it’s that curiosity that keeps her desperate for God Lexa’s visits.

Maybe she just can’t stand the thought of never laying eyes on the love of her life again, even if it is just her face. She finds herself not wanting to forget the details that had faded over time again. God Lexa is almost a gift as much as they are a curse because they smell and look and feel and sound just like the real Lexa that Clarke can sometimes allow herself to forget that she won’t ever see her again.

Maybe she’ll get fed up someday of being haunted by this ghost, but right now, at this particular moment, she can’t find it in herself to want to be anywhere else other than watching this being with Lexa’s face and Lexa’s mannerisms touch the water with their long delicate fingertips and then suddenly snatch their hand away as if surprised by the temperature.

It makes Clarke laugh because it’s Lexa’s face and it’s undeniably cute. “Things are cold on earth.” She informs them as Lexa carefully brushes those same delicate fingers onto their pants. Today they have appeared to Clarke fully regal and they look frustrated which is interesting to Clarke. The first time she had ever met the judge she knew deep down it wasn’t Lexa and the longer she stood there talking to them she was able to learn very quickly the differences between the two.

That same stoicism, almost as if they never feel anything at all, has not accompanied them on their travels to earth to visit Clarke. Lexa often appears to Clarke and their mood is readable, in the way that Clarke had slowly learned back when she spent her days with Lexa in the tower. It makes it harder to decipher between the two, she figured Gods maybe were above emotions or they felt every single one that they couldn’t express them the same way a human would.

But God Lexa is clearly not above expressing emotion, even if they try sometimes. “Temperature is not something I am used to anymore.” And of course, the statement spikes Clarke’s curiosity because how long has God Lexa existed? How many different places have they been, how many different climates have they had to endure before? She’s almost surprised they can’t just make it where they don’t feel the temperature wherever they go.

“You used to be?” Clarke asks carefully because sometimes when she asks God Lexa too many questions they tend to tense, and their time together grows short with her abrupt departures. Not that their visits are ever longer than an hour, it always seems like they can never stay long whenever they are here.

“I have been many places Clarke but not all of me has recently, not for a long time.” They almost look wistful at the statement, eyes glazing over the water and Clarke wants to ask them what they’re thinking about, but she doesn’t.

She doesn’t like to try and get too deep with God Lexa; they have to have some boundaries and it can be hard enough in certain moments to separate who is who in her head. “Lexa liked the water. She once promised me she’d teach me to swim.” She involuntarily shares with the being. It’s just another thing they do when they are together. God Lexa seems to understand how little Clarke has gotten to grieve or speak of the people she’s lost in all the time she’s lived.

“Did you ever learn to swim?” Their voice is wistful again, as if still imagining whatever world they were last in and Clarke almost asks them where that may have been. Instead she just answers their question. “I did, though I’m not exactly good at it.” She smiles slightly, a small flush appearing on her cheeks, she can feel her face heat up. She doesn’t know why she’s embarrassed to admit it.

“I’m sure Lexa regrets very much not getting the chance to teach you herself.” Wistful and melancholy.

Clarke’s curiosity is growing too strong to not pry just a little bit. She has never seen the God display so much sadness in their few visits that they’ve shared so far. “Are you alright?”

“What do you mean?” A small adorable knit forms in their eyebrows and Clarke swallows past the lump in her throat because sometimes it’s so hard to understand that this isn’t really Lexa, when they’re here with her emotions slowly forming on their face and acting just like her. It’s so hard to distinguish between the two of them.

“You just seem… sad.” Clarke observes and looks away from them to pick up a rock in front of her. Her knees were starting to cramp from her cross-legged position and her butt hurt from the rocks below her, but she was enduring it because Lexa seemed intrigued by the water today and wanted to be near it.

A long moment of silence passes between them, but it isn’t uncomfortable, much like silence never quite was uncomfortable with real Lexa.

“I cannot stay long today.” At this they sigh, heavy, like such a reality is a burden.

Clarke still doesn’t understand them, but she does feel a sadness at thinking her time with Lexa will be shortened today. “Do you have duties somewhere else?”

“Duty is not exactly the right word.” Lexa wraps their arms around their legs, bringing their knees to their chest and they look smaller than normal. They don’t commonly sit like this when they come to Clarke in Lexa’s commander outfit. Normally they are always standing, but today they seem almost defeated.

Clarke can’t help the sympathy growing inside of her chest for the being. Afterall, it is hard not to feel strongly when they wear Lexa’s face. “What’s making you leave?”

“I have very limited time I can handle down here; it is impossible for me to spend more even though I wish too. There are things I cannot explain that do not allow me the time I wish.” They seem frustrated as they speak, and Clarke nearly reaches across the space to place a hand on them, but she stops herself.

She doesn’t often touch God Lexa because it aches to do so. It only opens the chasm of longing that she has for her Lexa, but she’s sure God Lexa can sense that already without her ever having to explain it. “I thought Gods could go anywhere they wanted.”

Lexa smirks just barely at that. “Ah yes, if only that were true.”

“Why do you want to stay?” Clarke finds herself asking and is unsure of what answer she’s hoping for.

“I have a reason.” They don’t speak on it any further and at that Clarke finds herself rolling her eyes.

They may not be real Lexa but they sure are good at acting like her. “Well before you go, would you like to have a rock skipping competition?”

Their eyebrows knit again, and Clarke intentionally looks away because it’s starting to become painful the way she’s craving that cute confused expression on their face. “How do you skip a rock?”

“I assumed all powerful beings knew how to do everything.” Clarke teases as she pulls herself from the hard-rocky ground and then hesitantly offers her hand to Lexa to help them up.

Lexa seems just as hesitant to take it but does very carefully and allows Clarke to help lift them to their feet. They part hands quickly, only because Clarke doesn’t want to allow herself to linger as the ache and longing for Lexa hardens in her chest. “We do not have much time for competitions in transcendence.”

“No of course not because fun is too silly for Gods.” Clarke teases further and feels a slight warmth at the quirk of God Lexa’s lips. “Here, let me show you.” Clarke flips the round, semi-flat, rock in her hand a few times before holding it just right and then sending it across the water.

Lexa watches her and watches as the rock glides and skips until it stops and sinks. “If I had known humans could manipulate minerals I would have come here much sooner.”

Clarke snorts. “Here, you try.” She bends to grab another semi-flat round rock and passes it to God Lexa, allowing their fingers to skim as they exchange it.

“I do not think I can.” God Lexa seems to falter, looking almost sheepish and Clarke can’t help but offer a warm smile to comfort them.

“Hold it like this.” She steps forward, much closer, close enough to feel Lexa’s body heat which she is always surprised by. She’s uncertain how God Lexa is supposed to work, but she remembers running to them the first time she saw them and pressing against them. They had, had body heat then. They had felt like Lexa then, smelt just like her. It had taken everything in her will power to let them go even though she knew that it wasn’t really her.

This form the being takes is meant to be as identical to Lexa as possible and she knows that. But it still surprises her. It’s why she doesn’t allow herself to seek their touch much, though she knows God Lexa would let her. She’s afraid she won’t be able to let them go if she does. “Put your fingers like this around the rock.” She says softly, being this close she almost feels like a normal octave would be too invasive.

She carefully positions Lexa’s long fingers around the rock the way she normally holds it to skip and tries not to linger on their skin. “And just throw it kind of like this.” She makes a motion with her arm, replicating what she had just done but slower as Lexa watches her.

God Lexa sets their feet, hesitates, and then launches the rock into the water but it doesn’t glide like Clarke’s had. Instead is sinks, splashing with a dunk as it goes. It makes Clarke laugh because she can’t help it and the pout that immediately forms on Lexa’s face only makes it worse.

“You are not a very good teacher.” They scowl and Clarke manages to tamper down her laughter long enough to hand Lexa another rock.

“Try again, you’ll get it.” They do try again. They try three more times, their pout growing progressively more prominent as each rock manages to sink rather than glide like Clarke’s rock did. Clarke’s snickers and giggles aren’t helping them either. It’s just all the more amusing.

Eventually, they sigh. “I must go.” The lightness that had wrapped itself around them as Lexa failed to skip rocks dampens as their pout becomes less humorous and morphs back into the wistful expression they had been staring at the lake with earlier.

“There’s no way that you can stay?” Clarke isn’t sure she should want them to stay, or for them to want to stay. But she never knows when Lexa will appear to her again and she’s afraid that one day they’ll stop entirely, that God Lexa will grow bored and tired of earth and of Clarke’s rambles, that they’ll go and Clarke really will never see her face again. Afraid she’ll go back to only trying to desperately immortalize her on paper and somehow never quite getting her right.

“I am unable to but…” God Lexa freezes, staring hard at the water as if contemplating something heavily. Clarke has no idea what’s going on with them, has no idea if it could even be explained in a way that would make sense to her. “Someday I will find a way.” Their voice is unbelievably soft as they say this and it strikes confusion in Clarke yet again, unsure of what they truly mean by that.

They are gone before Clarke can ask them to explain and she’s left staring at the place that they were standing. Lexa’s scent drifts away in the wind and Clarke finds herself wishing she could have more time, even if it is just Lexa’s face.

It’s the closest she’s been to her in so long.

…

Clarke had nightmares nearly every night when she first arrived here. It took time for them to slow down. She still has them quite frequently, but not every night anymore. Sometimes her nightmares are just memories or morphed manifestations of the people she’s killed or lost. Sometimes her nightmares are just Lexa or Madi. A lot of times her nightmares lead to her being awoken by familiar long gentle fingers on her face.

“ _Klark_ , you are dreaming.” And their voice is so comforting and soothing, and she hasn’t heard it in months because their last visit by the lake must have made it difficult for them to return.

“Lexa.” Clarke croaks, voice rough around her name because she’s been crying in her sleep. She feels raw and her body aches but so does her soul when she looks into the soft green eyes she desperately tries not to forget.

“I am here.” They say gently, so softly and Clarke forgets for a fraction of a second that she’s not real.

But she remembers and on this night it’s unpleasant. “No, you’re not.” She croaks and shoves the gentle hands of her visitor away, the anger, the annoyance, the pain of her losses freshly baring weight. The shelter they’ve been building is freezing and the moon is still high in the sky. “Why did you come?” Clarke’s hands find her hair as she aches for someone she can never have again, a familiar feeling, one she’s been well acquainted with for many years now.

“You called for me.” Lexa is seated on the very edge of her bed, hands folded in their lap now that Clarke nearly slapped them away from her. They don’t move a muscle, almost like the real Lexa would if Clarke had pushed her away as she had done so many times in that small amount of time they had, had together once before.

“In my sleep doesn’t count.” Clarke finds herself snarling, unsure of what to do with her anger. She has no outlet for it curled in the furs of her bed with only the crickets of the night awake besides the two of them.

“I will go if you would like me too.” Lexa waits patiently for Clarke to answer but for a long time she doesn’t. She just sits there, clinging to the furs she sleeps in and leaning her head against the wall on the opposite side of the bed to keep her distance from the Lexa that’s not really Lexa.

After a few minutes Lexa stands, and Clarke can feel her heart lurching. “No.” She says quietly, desperate. “Stay.” She further adds but a bit more collected.

Lexa nods barely, minutely, before sitting back down and folding their hands back into their lap. It is so Lexa like that it brings a fresh wave of grief to Clarke. “It’s just so hard to look at you sometimes.” She says honestly. “Everything about you, is so much like her and yet… I’ll never see her again, not really.” Clarke rubs at her eyes, digging her heels into them to will the tears to stop. She’s so tired of crying, she’s done so much of it.

“She is closer to you than you think.” God Lexa’s tone is meant to be reassuring, maybe just as much as Lexa’s “I’ll always be with you” once was but… in the quiet Clarke isn’t afraid to admit that it’s not enough.

“I’ve never asked…” Clarke sniffs and looks at God Lexa very carefully. “I’m not sure I’m ready for the answer but…” Clarke scoots across the bed to be closer, Lexa’s scent, almost a firewood like smell invading her space. “Can you talk to her?” She feels hopeful that maybe if God Lexa can, she can at least know where Lexa is, at least know that she’s safe and happy and at some sort of peace even though Clarke can’t be with her.

God Lexa’s eyebrows knit together in thought as she seems to hesitate on her answer. Either it’s more complicated than a simple yes or no, or they don’t exactly want Clarke to know. “Lexa did not transcend exactly.”

“I know.” Clarke plays with the furs of her blanket. “But neither have I and you come to see me all the time.” She whispers. That small fact still resting in her head whenever she allows her thoughts to wander about where Lexa’s soul might be resting now.

“Lexa has been in a place I have not exactly been able to process properly.” When Clarke looks up at the being, those eyebrows are knitted still, and they look to be struggling for the correct words. It reminds Clarke of the way Lexa would switch to trigedasleng the more frustrated she’d get in a conversation. “She can communicate very little with others or with anything, but we are trying to help her with that.”

Clarke wipes her sleeve across her nose and blinks at God Lexa. “What do you mean?” A flicker of hope and fire sparks inside of her heart, that if they know where Lexa is and are trying to help her… maybe… maybe Clarke could find someway to see her or get a message to her, even if it’s something small.

God Lexa’s eyes soften on her face immediately, their hand moves as if to touch Clarke but must think better of it because they rest them back in their lap. “I cannot exactly explain it or tell you very much, but I do wish to comfort you.” They speak honestly and Clarke’s heart continues to ache.

“Is she at peace too?” At this question God Lexa’s face seems to pain greatly and Clarke immediately grows concerned as they take in a sharp breath of air.

“I do not wish you to worry about where she is right now.” The statement perhaps isn’t meant to piss Clarke off, but it does annoy her nonetheless because all she wants to know is that Lexa, wherever she may have landed, is not hurting.

So she presses despite the indifference God Lexa is presenting to her. “I just want to know that she got her version of a someday, like what I have here.”

Lexa stands abruptly at that, she looks to be in more pain than she had been before, her breathing coming in sharp small intakes. “I must go.”

“No wait.”

“I am sorry Clarke. I truly wish to stay with you and explain this, but I am physically unable too.” The being’s hands have curled into fists and their jaw clenches like Lexa’s used to when she was angry.

“Just tell her I… if you can, tell her I love her.” She isn’t desperate for that message to get across, having been able to say it to her once, she’s sure Lexa knows. But she still wants her to hear it again, just in case she may have forgotten in whatever fragmented reality she might be floating in.

God Lexa turns to her suddenly, eyes green and bright and so Lexa that it brings the water back to Clarke’s eyes. “She knows, Clarke.” And with that she is gone again, vanished into thin air to leave her scent behind to linger in the space of Clarke’s room. The small shelter suddenly feeling so very massive and it’s so cold and Clarke feels so alone despite knowing that she isn’t meant to be.

…

“This is very frustrating.” Clarke jumps out of her skin, not expecting that voice to greet her during her walk through the woods. Sure, she was thinking of Lexa, but she was planning on collecting game from the traps, so she couldn’t have somehow emotionally summoned God Lexa like she’s done in the past. Her thoughts were mostly elsewhere.

“What is?” She asks after her heart rate returns to normal.

God Lexa had last been here one week ago, in her bedroom, and they hadn’t stayed long. Their visits are growing shorter and shorter whenever they do come, and Clarke is dreading the inevitability of their permanent goodbye. “Even more frustrating that I cannot answer your question the way that I wish too.”

Clarke frowns at them, dropping the stick she had been tapping along the trees as she passed them on the trail. “Why?” An ounce of stubbornness invades her, spiking her irritation, even if God Lexa doesn’t necessarily deserve that attitude.

The being has learned by now that Clarke is a fairly emotional person, so they don’t often hold such things against her. “It is too difficult to explain.” God Lexa’s hand shoots up to their heart, pressing carefully there as if to feel it beat. Clarke wonders if it beats regularly or only when Clarke touches them to simulate some form of reality. She wonders what the rules are, how does God Lexa even simulate real Lexa the way that she does?

Why does she keep coming back? “You can’t even try?” The frustration seems to extend, climbing up the back of her neck and tightening her jaw.

They look to be struggling with their own thoughts yet again. “I do not know how.”

Clarke can only sigh. “I don’t know how to help a God through a crisis.” She throws her hands up slightly and turns back around to continue walking the trail, back to her chore, assuming God Lexa will follow her.

“She is very loud.” Clarke stops. She turns back around and looks up at the being with a quirk of her own brow.

Her heart lurches at the thought of who God Lexa could mean by _she_. “Who is?”

There’s a small shake to their head. “I cannot explain it.” There is a flash of pain on God Lexa’s face and then something shifts in her stance.

“You keep saying that and yet you’re here.” Clarke steps toward them as green eyes split from looking at her with pain and shift into something resembling elation as they take in the trees around them and there’s a smile that splits onto their face suddenly and it’s so pretty, so jarring as well that Clarke stumbles backwards just barely at the sight of it.

Clarke had seen Lexa’s real smile only a handful of times and something about looking at it here, on God Lexa, makes her knees almost buckle. The chasm of yearning opening up yet again and ready to swallow her whole.

“I cannot stay long.” Lexa explains in the same way they have been for many visits. Their sudden mood shift only serving to confuse Clarke even further despite how beautiful that damn smile is.

“Yes, I expected as much, would you like to come collect game with me and try to explain whatever it is you can’t explain?” Clarke frowns as she tries to make sense of God Lexa yet again. They can be so ominous and confusing and yet Clarke is still unable to stop herself from being enthralled in their beauty and company.

“No Clarke, I cannot explain as I do not understand it myself.” They grin, brighter and Clarke narrows her eyes at them. _They’re acting so weird today_.

“You’re happy? Do Gods normally feel this much random emotions or are you just a special case?” She’s caught many different instances of what has appeared to be emotions on God Lexa before, but she’s never quite asked them how much they really feel. Now with that… _smile_ she can’t help but wonder.

“I am sure they probably do not.” They barely shrug and step beside Clarke. “Game you said?” Their eyes twinkle in the sunlight peeking through the trees and they’re lit in a way that makes it hard for Clarke to breathe.

The chasm grows even bigger if that’s even possible. “How long can you stay this time?” Clarke stares at them suspiciously and walks beside them down the path she normally takes for the traps they set up.

The being seems distracted by the nature they’re walking through, which is interesting because this isn’t their first walk through the forest, and they were never like this about it before. “Not long, I am sorry I was not here sooner. It is very difficult to come.” God Lexa heaves a sigh, but her smile doesn’t dim even slightly.

“You’ve said that before.” Clarke sighs and looks at the color of the leaves that have yet to fall in order to take a break from looking at _that_ face. “I still don’t know why you want to be here so much,” She doesn’t mean it how it sounds but Lexa doesn’t seem to take offense to it anyways.

“Someday you will know.” Lexa plays with a low hanging branch as they pass it and their smile grows even wider. “It is cold today.” The last time Clarke had observed God Lexa with temperature they seemed to despise the cold.

They are so hard to keep up with. “Yes, I believe it’s autumn but I’m not exactly sure how far into it we are, just at the beginning I think.” Clarke finds herself smiling slightly whenever Lexa’s soft grin moves toward her because she can’t entirely help it. It is Lexa’s face and resisting a Lexa smile is next to impossible, even if it’s not really her.

“It has been so very long since I have seen autumn.” They say with a tone like a little kid and Clarke finds herself chuckling.

“If you come back sooner this time, you’ll be able to see more of it.” She isn’t sure why she’s so hopeful that God Lexa will return more, maybe a small piece of her thinks if God Lexa understands how much Clarke enjoys their visits perhaps they won’t stop them any time soon like she fears.

“I will try.” Clarke stops at a trap kneeling to fiddle with it but sighs as she notices that it’s empty. “No luck?”

“No, but it’s probably just Murphy forgetting to set the bait again.” She stands from her kneeling position and looks at Lexa’s whose eyes remain light as they take in their surroundings. Like they haven’t seen such things in a hundred years or something.

It almost looks like how Clarke felt when they first landed on earth. “Can we explore Clarke?” Lexa asks lightly and Clarke turns to look at them again, suspicion back. “I do not have long, and I wish to see more of autumn before I go.”

At this request Clarke can’t help but return their grin. “Alright, where would you like to go?” She finds it incredibly hard to resist such a request when it’s coming from a smiling Lexa.

Lexa offers their hand to her and Clarke hesitates. She reaches out and grips Lexa’s hand, her heart lurching at their warm touch and sucks in a deep breath as Lexa’s grip tightens and then tugs her forward.

The being takes off running through trees with Clarke’s hand in their own and it rips a giggle from Clarke’s throat since she’s never seen God Lexa act like this before. Perhaps they have sympathy for Clarke and her grief and her pain. She’s assumed that must be the case to keep them returning time and time again because normally whenever Clarke is feeling isolated God Lexa returns to help her feel a little bit of relief or to comfort her, even if it’s impossible for them to do so because they’re not really her, they still try.

Clarke clings to the hand that holds her own, savors the feeling and takes in gasps of air when Lexa finally stops running. “Come on.” They say almost excitedly and Clarke almost groans as Lexa tugs her further, up a steep hill lush with green grass, stopping only when they peak through the trees at the top to pear down at the lake they often sit by. The cabins they’ve been building down in the distance near the shore. She can see Raven working on something near the water, Picasso is playing fetch with someone hidden in the brush of the trees as they keep launching a stick from it.

She smiles slightly, reminded again that no matter all that she’s lost and all that she craves and misses. She’s lucky to have this, to be here, to have them. She’s lucky to have some semblance of peace. “You are feeling much better than the last time I saw you.” Lexa’s hand finally let’s go of her own and Clarke almost reflexively grabs it again.

She manages to contain herself. “I guess sprinting through trees can do that.” She chuckles and sits on the edge of the cliff as she watches her family down below. “I wonder what Lexa’s version of this looks like.” She can’t help but say it out loud, wondering if somehow this being could possibly know or not.

“What do you mean?” Lexa sits beside her, much closer than normal, close enough that their shoulders brush and for once Clarke allows herself the contact. _Just for a while_ , she thinks.

“If she’s somewhere with some of the people she loves and considers family. If she’s happy.” She sighs at the soft pitter patter of her own heart, the slight ache that accompanies every thought of Lexa. With nothing to constantly keep her distracted and on edge she has a lot more time to feel her emotions, in a way she hadn’t quite done since Eden with Madi, and even then, she hadn’t entirely done so either.

There is a pause of silence between them, again, comfortable the way it always is, the way it always will be. “She is fighting very hard.” Lexa fills the silence with a careful voice.

Clarke frowns and breaks her gaze from down below to look at God Lexa now who’s eyes are trained on her. “Fighting?” Clarke can’t help the pain that surfaces at the thought of Lexa not having somehow found rest.

Fighting means struggle, means she’s not found peace and that just isn’t quite fair. “I cannot explain it.” The smile that had been present dims and then vanishes entirely, replaced instead with that expression of pain they had shown beforehand. “Are you happy?”

Clarke frowns slightly because the question is strained as if a struggle to get out. “Lexa?” Her hands instinctively move, fingers brushing hair behind her ear and brushing along her cheek. “What’s wrong?” A show of physical affection she can’t stop herself from doing when the face of the woman she loves looks to be in so much pain.

Lexa’s touch seems to imitate her own, delicate fingers brushing across her left eyebrow, carefully across the scar Clarke’s had there for many years. “It is very painful for me to be here.” They say with almost a crack to their voice, water appearing behind bright green eyes and Clarke’s concern spikes infinitely because she cannot help it.

“Why?” Clarke asks just as confused as she always is with God Lexa, scooting just a bit closer so their sides are fully pressed together. She finds herself wishing she could take their discomfort away.

“It is a pain I cannot explain.” Their touch drifts away, moves to their own heart again and their demeanor shifts slightly like it had done in the middle of the pathway along the forest. “This form is allowing many things, but time is not one of them.” The lump in Clarke’s throat forms on its own.

“If it hurts you so much why do you keep coming here?” Clarke pushes hoping that something the being says will eventually make sense.

“Because I am made too.” There is a breath, a flash of something in their eyes that Clarke can’t quite comprehend yet.

“So, you come because of me?” Is it Clarke’s fault that this God has some inexplicable tie to her and this world they allowed her to stay in?

“Yes and no.” A sharp breath and then Lexa is gripping the grass below them tightly. “I must go soon.”

“Do you know when you’ll be back?” Clarke questions carefully, heart rate ticking, desperation to have confirmation that they will return again and that this won’t be the last time she gets to see Lexa’s face has adrenaline coursing through her veins.

There is another flash in God Lexa’s eyes, green with determination as they say, “I promise it will be as soon as I can.” Their hand ghosts across Clarke’s before they’re gone. Vanished again to leave only Lexa’s scent again and the brief warmth of their touch on Clarke’s hand.

…

When Lexa returns to Clarke, she is drawing. She hasn’t done it very much, mostly because it had been hard to find anything for her to draw with for a while. But earth had many abandoned sites, empty and yet rich with old material. They had found the things for Clarke to sketch a week ago and she has been spending a lot of time placing things on paper the way she used too.

She knows when Lexa arrives this time, not startled when their scent envelopes the small space that is her personal shelter. She doesn’t look up at them right away, instead focused on the drawing of her Lexa instead. She knows though, that a drawing could never quite compare to the spitting image of her so eventually she does look up just to allow her eyes to drink in Lexa’s face.

They don’t look to be in any emotional distress this time, instead they’ve appeared more stoic than normal, eyes darker but almost dull. This is the judge she had first met during the test when they wore Lexa’s face, not the same one she’s been getting used to seeing. And yet they are the same.

God Lexa is so very hard to understand. “What are you doing?” They ask simply, almost as if they’re not interested at all.

Clarke shrugs and moves her eyes back to her drawing. “What does it look like?” At that Lexa sighs as if she’s the annoying one but doesn’t seem to move from the place they stand in, near the exit of the shelter.

Clarke looks up at them again. “Let me guess, you can’t stay long?” She means it as a tease, but it does come out as more of a tired annoyance than anything else.

Lexa frowns at this but Clarke can’t be sure if it’s her tone or just the words. “I believe she will make me.”

Clarke’s eyebrows quirk up with question as this is yet another time that the being has referred to another person, playing the pronoun game, and each time it allows Clarke’s imagination to run absolutely wild. God Lexa’s face morphs into further annoyance. “You are the most confusing higher being to ever exist, I’m sure of it.” She sighs and drops her pencil on the bed. “Would you like to sit?” She motions to the edge of her bed with her hands.

Lexa moves and sits rather than verbally answering. “What is it that you were doing?” They ask again, apparently unsatisfied with Clarke’s previous answer to that question.

Clarke allows God Lexa to see, only because who she was drawing was real Lexa, or at least, she was trying too. “Drawing her.” She says it quietly, as if it’s a deep secret she’s not exactly willing to share.

“Hmm,” Lexa’s fingers brush across the pencil marks and shading. “Beautiful.” God Lexa says it with little emotion but there is a shifting in their eyes, no longer dull.

Clarke smiles slightly. “She was.”

“You are quite good at this.” Lexa hands the drawing back, twitches slightly as if something is bothering them and then settles back into a calm and serene expression. “Do you draw often?”

“I have before yes.” Clarke flips the page. “If you’re here for a while, do you want to learn?” Somehow, she figures higher beings often without physical forms don’t do a lot of doodling in their spare time. The same way they don’t seem to know how to skip rocks.

Lexa twitches again. “She would-” They stop themselves from whatever they had planned on saying. “Yes, I would like that.”

Clarke chuckles. “Okay.” She encourages Lexa to sit directly beside her and hands them a pencil. “I’ll help you with something easy.”

“How difficult can it be?” It seems like a genuine question rather than an observation.

“We’re about to find out huh.” At this God Lexa smiles just barely and watches as Clarke guides them through simple drawings of shapes which Lexa picks up on quite easily, though they fumble when Clarke tries to make it more complicated.

They do this for what feels like a few hours, but Clarke assumes it had to be shorter than that because Lexa can never stay past an hour usually. Though today they don’t seem to be in so much pain like they’ve appeared in the last few times. When Clarke breaks for water Lexa follows her like they’re Picasso and part of it is sweet and makes Clarke’s heart ache, wondering what it could be like if Lexa was really here instead.

A deep sigh leaves the being right after that thought filters through Clarke’s mind. “You are longing for her again, I can feel it.” They shake their head just once, but Clarke isn’t really sure what that means or what they’re thinking.

“I am always longing for her.” Clarke smiles as she sips at the water she had poured into the makeshift cup. There is a colder breeze this afternoon than there has been for most of the days, possibly colder than any other day and Lexa shivers the moment the wind picks up. “She was special.”

God Lexa acknowledges with a nod and wraps her arms tightly around herself, flinching and twitching again until emotion envelopes her features in a way it hadn’t for most of the hour. “She must have been.” She shivers further, “It is very cold out here.” Clarke frowns slightly and sets her cup down, instinctively touching her waist very lightly.

It seems Lexa is back to hating the cold on this visit. “Come, I’ll light the fire for you.” Lexa walks with her carefully, teeth chattering as they move back into Clarke’s shelter. They sit on the bed and they watch Clarke’s every move, at least, that’s how it feels as she’s starting the fire. Each time she looks back Lexa is there staring at her.

She isn’t sure how she feels about their gaze, which is soft and open and suddenly much more expressive than it had been five minutes ago. “Here.” She feels affection that lingers every time she looks at Lexa’s face surge through her as the being keeps shivering. She aches to shelter them, so she drapes the furs she normally sleeps in around their shoulders. “If I had known it would be so cold, I would have come in my gear.” They say with a chatter and Clarke’s heart ticks.

_My gear_. Not Lexa’s gear. _My gear_. Clarke shakes her head barely, her imagination running wild again, getting away from her with her wishful thinking and deep longing.

It is in moments like this that it starts to become incredibly hard for Clarke to decipher between God Lexa and real Lexa. Realistically she knows it can’t be Lexa-Lexa, she is long dead, gone and never returning to her. It’s been so many years now that she can’t even hope for it despite how she craves her still. But the stoic mask that God Lexa arrives in strips the longer they spend time together and when they look at her like they are now, with bright eyes and near adoration, it becomes difficult for Clarke to think she’s not here.

She swears, even though she knows it’s impossible, that it’s her staring at her. “ _Lexa_.” She says so quietly her hands longing to touch her and when Lexa doesn’t move away from her touch but leans into it instead, Clarke can’t stop herself from wrapping her arms around the being, pulling them against her and hugging them in a way she hasn’t since the test.

She knew she shouldn’t, but she clings anyway giving Lexa warmth and taking comfort that will never stay. “You feel just like her.” Clarke hears the way her voice cracks when she says it, she doesn’t want to let go. It’s becoming just as hard as it was last time.

If God Lexa wouldn’t hold her back the way that they are maybe it would be easier, or perhaps even harder. She can’t be sure of anything. All that she is sure of is that she misses _her_ Lexa. “I…” God Lexa’s voice cracks as well and their arms suddenly tighten, and it makes Clarke cling to them all the more. “I cannot stay long.” They whisper at the shell of her ear and their voice is soft and gentle, a caress much like the voice she’s loved for so many years and had longed to hear since it had gone from her. “I will stay as long as I can,” they flinch in her embrace, but Clarke can’t let them go. She was right to think that she wouldn’t be able to if she ever did this again.

“Stay.” Clarke requests even though she knows by now God Lexa cannot control when they go. They just… _feel so much like her._

“I am trying.” And it’s said in the same soft whisper against the shell of her ear, Lexa’s breath brushing against the skin and making Clarke’s shiver arrive for an entirely different reason than the temperature.

She doesn’t know how she manages to convince herself to pull back from them, perhaps only so she can press her forehead against God Lexa’s and take in their comfort that they are allowing her to have. “How long?” She finds herself asking as she stares into big green eyes, so familiar and warm.

They are looking at her in a way she hasn’t seen since the last time she was face to face with her Lexa and it makes her heart lurch and her imagination spiral. Realistically she knows, this isn’t Lexa, and yet… _yet_ …

“I am never sure.” They give her a brief smile. “Clarke, you must listen,” Lexa’s hands find her own. “Before I am forced to leave, I want you to know.” Lexa flinches and Clarke’s hands cup their face, thumbs smoothing across their cheekbones as if to ease the pain. She is basking in physical affection she shouldn’t allow herself because none of this is real.

_This isn’t really Lexa._

But… when they look at her like that she can pretend, just for a moment. “What?” She nearly whispers. The fire has warmed the shelter enough that Lexa is no longer shivering but they still do when Clarke’s fingers ghost across her neck.

“I am,” Lexa closes their eyes, still in obvious pain. “I am here.” They mumble but it seems jumbled and confused, their thoughts not getting across and Clarke knows their time together is ending soon. “Always here when they are here.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke asks carefully, heart ticking up as Lexa’s eyes open to meet her own, full and round and it’s… is it really her? _They look like her._

But they change very quickly to something else. “I must go now.” She flinches again and then leans forward and ghosts a kiss across Clarke’s cheek before vanishing and Clarke feels a new desperation shifting through her. What was she trying to explain? It can’t be what she wants it to be, it wouldn’t be possible, would it?

It wasn’t her, just merely Clarke’s wishful thinking but… _it felt like her_.

…

Clarke waits desperately for Lexa’s return. She thinks about it, wills it, requests it, even manages to ask it out loud after she’s wandered off alone. She needs to speak with them, but Lexa doesn’t come. For three months Lexa doesn’t come, and Clarke slowly starts to believe that she will never see them again, never lay eyes on that face again and it brings about a new ache. She is not alone but she feels distracted when she’s with anyone else. They’ve noticed, and they try hard to cheer her up, but Clarke isn’t much for wallowing around other people.

All she wants is Lexa, all she’s ever wanted is Lexa.

Just when she’s given up hope that Lexa will return to her they do. A storm cracking thunder and if she had a proper window, she’d be happy to see the lightening. The being comes at the first clap, suddenly appearing with weight on her bed and Clarke’s heart leaps straight into her mouth, cracking, splintering but also mending just at the sight of them. “You’re here.” She can’t help the way her voice sounds, the hope and excitement at seeing them, the longing to be near them.

All of that time she spent trying hard to keep her distance and now all she wants to do is close it. God Lexa must be able to sense this because she closes most of it for her though they don’t touch her, never touch her without Clarke’s permission. “I long to be here just as much as you want me to be.” Their eyes are kind tonight, awash with emotion that Clarke can’t decipher.

Clarke is so happy to see them that she doesn’t have space to be confused. “I thought you weren’t coming back.” She expresses honestly, unwilling to hide how desperately she’s grown used to their visits, how much she craves and needs them.

How much she _needs_ to see Lexa’s face.

“I will always come back to you.” Lexa reaches for her and Clarke meets them, hands cupping their face.

She can’t find it in herself to be annoyed at the amount of confusion that God Lexa always leaves in their wake, just so relieved to be looking at the face of the woman she loves again. So relieved that their last visit wasn’t actually their last. “What does that mean?”

“I cannot explain it the way I would like, we have a moment of time so I will try.” Lexa’s fingers ghost across Clarke’s left eyebrow, delicately across her scar again. Thunder claps loudly as the storm rages further and it makes Lexa jump lightly and it reminds Clarke of the time that there had been a storm in Polis and Lexa cupped her hands around her ears at each loud bang in the sky, nearly trembling.

Her heart splinters further at the way Lexa seems to melt into her touch, and at the way Lexa seems to carefully hold her, as if she’s a fragile piece of glass. As if the three months it took them to return were just as torturous for them as it was for Clarke. “Do you know how much this time?”

“Like I said, I never do.” She looks sad, deeply, trembles slightly at the next clap of thunder and Clarke doesn’t stop herself from sliding into Lexa’s lap as the urge to comfort them the way she had comforted Lexa back then consumes her very being.

If she’s losing her mind than _why is God Lexa scared of thunder too?_

The being shakes and trembles in her arms at the sound of the storm and Clarke is quiet when she talks to them, using her softest voice on the scared God. “How do you know her fears too?” She feels hope circulate in her gut, shift through her bones, blind her as she stares at the beautiful person in front of her.

She knows that there must be a simple explanation for it and yet she still can’t stop herself from wishing, from dreaming, from imagining that this is _her_. “It is difficult for this to make sense, but I feel…” Lexa’s eyebrows knit, and they look away from Clarke though their hold around her waist tightens the moment thunder claps again. “You are not going to like this.” They say almost regrettably. Maybe they are feeling regrettable, they’ve always been able to sense her emotions, to feel them as well. Perhaps they can feel her hope for the Lexa she knows realistically she’s never getting back.

Clarke only frowns in response at first though she is gentle as she combs her fingers through the softness of Lexa’s hair. “How do you know?”

“I know you.” Lexa smiles just barely, but it’s still awash with sadness and many other emotions surfacing across their face. “When Madi transcended she did so with fragmented coding.”

Clarke continues to frown unsure of where this is going. “what does that mean?”

“It means there was a liter of scattered consciousness struggling to move on, numbers of people with the same emotions of your species. We have been doing our best to repair the fragmented pieces of each one for much time, but it has been a difficult journey. I may have done something unwise of a God, unadvised by the others. Something I advised against specifically to the others.” God Lexa shakes their head, eyebrows knit and determination to explain whatever it is they are trying to convey sits and swirls in their eyes, as if urging Clarke to basically read their mind.

They look just like Lexa, exactly like Lexa when she’s set her mind on something. Thunderclaps and Lexa lets out a small breath, skin trembling again. Their determined look faltering to reflect the slight fear the sound courses through them. Clarke allows her hands to push through their hair again and again and down their neck to try and soothe them in similar ways she had done for her Lexa back in Polis. “I’m trying to follow.”

Lexa sighs. “I am sorry, I cannot explain it in a way that will make more sense. Madi had asked me to watch over you. I had done so originally because of her, coming frequently to make sure you were happy and to relay how you were to her.” Clarke can feel her eyes water at the further mention of her daughter’s name. They had discussed Madi several times on God Lexa’s first visits. They had soothed every worry about how Madi was, where she was, how she felt. Clarke’s comfort in knowing that she was safe and at peace had eventually led her to talking about other things finally.

Clarke recalls the pronoun game God Lexa has been playing recently. “Is that what you meant when you said she makes you?” Clarke heart squeezes at the thought of her daughter wanting to make sure she’s okay. She wishes she could see Madi one more time, hold her, hear her laugh, tell her she loves her.

“No.” The trembling of the being’s body flinches, as if in pain, and Clarke dreads it because she has come to know that such a reaction is their timer.

There isn’t much more time left, and Clarke still isn’t really understanding what it is that the being wants her too. “Not long after our first visits as we were trying to repair the fragmented consciousness of the people that had transcended with Madi against their will. Madi had held one particular code very close to her and had asked me to try and help this person for you specifically. I have taken quite a liking to Madi, it was something I wanted to do because she had asked me too.” Clarke backs away from her slightly. “At that moment I did something I had advised others to not try.”

God Lexa shakes their head, the pain and the fear from the thunder seems to be wearing on them physically because they look exhausted and before this moment Clarke had never actually seen them looking tired before. She was sure Gods didn’t get tired. “What?”

“I… how do I explain, embraced the fragmented code of Lexa Kom Trikru.” Clarke backs up further to get a better view of their face. She’s afraid that the being is going to start laughing at her, that they’re making this up. Her hands drop from their place that had been around them, trying to comfort and soothe them. “In doing so.” God Lexa flinches. “I have been unable to separate who I am from her. She fears thunder and so do I, she is cold and so am I, she feels your touch and so do I.” Lexa’s touch ghosts across Clarke’s back, caressing, almost as if they’re savoring it and Clarke isn’t sure if she should pull away or not.

Her head is already pounding with the new information as she tries to process through the words God Lexa has spoken to her. Their touch is comforting and simultaneously too much at the same time. “What does that mean?” Clarke croaks.

“She did not wish me to tell you this quite yet, not because I can hear her thoughts but because my thoughts are her thoughts. We are the same.”

“You mean,”

“I do not just simply carry Lexa Kom Trikru with me, she is slowly consuming me. I did not believe that this would happen when I first embraced the code, but I do believe now that this is the only way for Lexa to be with you.” The eyes of the being Clarke had grown used to are reflecting their own fears and struggles, several different emotions surfacing all at once and then disappearing only to return a fraction of a second later.

Clarke has no idea how to process this information, how to understand it. What does this actually mean for Lexa, for the being? “She’s seeing through you?”

Lexa takes in a frustrated breath and shakes their head just barely. “You are not understanding. What I see is what she sees, what she sees is what I see, we are one.”

Clarke’s hand reaches up to brush along her cheek, too touch someone she thought long gone and yet she isn’t quite sure she’s really touching her at all. Does this mean Lexa can feel her now, that her Lexa is staring at her, talking to her? “You’re saying your Lexa, but I don’t know how that’s possible.”

“I told you it is difficult to explain. Lexa has no physical body to return to, it is long gone, many, many years without one. So we could ask her if she wants to transcend as we have done for the other commanders and their codes that were worthy, but if they refuse they won’t be returning the same way your friends and you have.”

“So she can hear me now, she’s been able to hear me this whole time but she can’t actually be here?” Clarke frowns, heart barely beating as she continues to stare at Lexa’s face, trying to understand if she’s looking into her Lexa’s eyes or God Lexa’s eyes or what must be some hybrid.

“What I hear she hears, what she hears I hear, we are one.”

Clarke’s eyes water, tears trickle down slowly though not very many at once. Her vision blurring just slightly, growing worse when Lexa flinches in pain again. “Why does it hurt you so much?”

The being breathes in deeply, or maybe it’s Lexa that’s breathing, how is Clarke to know? “Lexa’s code, is not exactly compatible with my being, I believe she is slowly killing me.”

Clarke looks at them, bewildered. “You can die?”

They shake their head again. “Not exactly, I have transcended so I will never die, but this physical form is very painful and temporary and soon Lexa and I will not be one, I will be forced to part from her and I have been struggling to figure out how I can do so and leave her here with you. As that is her wish. But I believe the only way is for her to consume me entirely.”

Clarke can barely hear herself asking questions as her brain runs a mile a minute. “What would happen to you?”

“Well, because we are one I would always be here, I will always be her but I cannot be sure what may happen once this body were to die if I can find someway to make it permanent.” This is maybe the first time that Clarke has really seen God Lexa look frightened, frightened by the thunder, frightened by the unknowable future, by their decisions.

“You wouldn’t transcend again?”

“I am not sure.” They flinch and jump as the thunderclaps again. “I must go, it is growing much too difficult to stay.”

“Wait, can I talk to her, can she-”

“I am her; I will allow you to explore such a thing next time.”

“Wait,” Clarke tilts Lexa’s chin and kisses her but not deeply like she aches too, just brief and light, affection and hope swirling in her gut as the kiss is returned to her. “Can she feel that?” She asks quietly, at a whisper, lips still lightly pressing against Lexa’s own, desperate for the answer to be _yes_.

“She feels what I feel, I feel what she feels, we are one.” Lexa carefully places Clarke back onto the bed and off her lap. “I must go, I will come again as soon as I possibly can.” She touches her hand again before she disappears and Clarke’s heart thunders it’s way through her body, aches through her soul, consumes her almost entirely.

“I love you.” She wonders if God Lexa can hear her. If Lexa-Lexa can hear her. She doesn’t entirely know what this means, but she knows if God Lexa is right and Lexa is her, she’s about to cling to every last second she gets with her, a thought and a hope she had long since buried. A reality she had thought impossible. The chasm of longing snaps open with renewed vigor, a desperation so consuming now that she knows that the Lexa that’s been visiting her has been her Lexa, and the moments that had been so confusing and how she had glimpsed her emotions were true.

Perhaps this was only a cruel joke or another moment with an expiration date. But if it is and they only have a small amount of time together Clarke is going to spend every moment she can get memorizing her and learning the things she had never gotten the chance to before. If their someday is short, than Clarke no longer wants to waste it.

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2 coming soon.
> 
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